First, the good things about the apartment... It's about twice the size of our old place and the location is AWWWWESOME -- it's in downtown Antigua. Our old apartment -- although verrrrry cute and owned by very nice people -- was in a town on the outskirts of Antigua and we had to drive our gas-sucking car every time we wanted to go to town, which was EVERY FREAKIN' DAY. So living here means no more buying stupidly expensive gasoline every week. We are only a 7 minute walk from the Central Park and we can go up on the roof whenever we want. Unfortunately, the people in the house behind us built a MEGA-WALL around their property and blocked our view of the volcanoes. (Phooey on them!) However, fireworks are a very big deal here (they set them off for every occasion -- birthdays, religious events, weddings, etc.) and we can run up on the roof and see them whenever we want. So that's nice. Right? And from the roof we have an excellent view of the old churches and ruins in the city. Too bad we can't LIVE on the roof, right?
...and now the rest of the details of our new crap-o-rama apartment.
This place is a death trap. The light switch for the bathroom is INSIDE the shower. And speaking of the shower, yeah, we have another one of those "suicide showerheads" but this one refuses to give us hot water if we try to take showers after 9:30pm. It is ICE COLD. There is absolutely no logical explanation for this except to admit that the place is haunted by the devil. (And cold nighttime showers are obviously the work of the devil.) And speaking of COLD -- this place is not insulated. Ok, none of the houses here are insulated with that nice pink fluffy cotton candy-looking stuff but this place is especially UN-insulated. The windows are made of the thinnest glass made (think glorified Saran Wrap), plus some of the windows are missing and others, like the one in the bathroom, don't fit their window frames so there's a gap. BRRRR! And there is no heating here. You want heat? Put on an extra pair of socks. Still cold? Add another sweater. THAT is how people here stay warm -- by looking like the Michelin Man under 23 layers of clothes. Ok, so it's cold. Very cold. My hands are icy as I type this because it's, well... COLD. What am I wearing right now? Cargo pants, socks, shoes, a t-shirt, a fleece jacket, a windbreaker AND a scarf. I look beeeauuuutiiiful. And I'm still cold. Now I know why people who live in cold places have lots of cats. If I had a cat right now, I'd have that thing duct taped to my lap for warmth.
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| For your viewing pleasure: The layout of our suck-o-rama apartment |
Other than the frigid indoor temps, the bathroom sink doesn't drain, there are no countertops in the kitchen (just a big ol' sink), the fridge is older than the pyramids and freezes our veggies till they're solid little ice nuggets, and we have no windows that look OUT -- the windows all look out to walls or to other windows. Nope, not kidding. It's a little claustrophobic. OH! And have I mentioned the LAYOUT? No? Really? Ok, then let me tell you about the layout. It stinks. Stinky stinky stiiinks. This place was built little by little. Like, they had this space and decided, hey, why don't we put this here...and this here...and build around this and put a wall there... To save money they left the windows in strange places... Plus, there is a rolling armoire thing in the bedroom for storage and it can never be moved OUT of there because it doesn't fit through the door. (Whoever built it was inside the room when they nailed it together.) Ahhh, stooopid stooopid stooopid! And you have to walk through the teeeny tiiiny bathroom to get to the bedroom, so if someone is, uhhh, occupied, they will be interrupted. I guess it's fair to say this apartment has brought us closer together, in ways we never expected.
OH! And if someone is up on the roof (other than us) and we happen to be in the bathroom or in the kitchen...they can see EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING -- wink-wink. Most of the windows don't have curtains and the curtains we do have are lacy and thin -- think of a doily...on steroids. The curtains are more decorative than useful. So we try to avoid streaking not only because it's cold enough to raise a family of penguins in here, but also because we don't want to moon any of our neighbors.
OH! And if someone is up on the roof (other than us) and we happen to be in the bathroom or in the kitchen...they can see EVERYTHING. I mean EVERYTHING -- wink-wink. Most of the windows don't have curtains and the curtains we do have are lacy and thin -- think of a doily...on steroids. The curtains are more decorative than useful. So we try to avoid streaking not only because it's cold enough to raise a family of penguins in here, but also because we don't want to moon any of our neighbors.
Until then, stay thirsty my friends!
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