Santa is going to crap in my stocking for this...

...but I have a confession to make.

I can't stand Christmas music.

It's not that I'm not religious or that I don't like Christmas. I can enjoy a round or two of "Frosty the Snowman" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." I can even tolerate hearing Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" a few times without having to vomit. But after SOOOO many part-time retail jobs, hearing Christmas music non-stop makes me want to go postal.

The absolute worst Christmas music every played on the loudspeakers of a retail store -- and probably the cause of my hatred -- was at Garden Ridge. They wanted shoppers to get into the holiday sprirt as early as possible, so they'd start playing it in November. Over and over and over again. Non-stop Christmas music. I bet they would have started playing it in July, if they thought they could get away with it.

But there was one particular song -- one out of the many, many, MANY songs played over and over again -- that still haunts me to this day. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. It's like hearing a cat in heat on the fence outside your window at midnight. It's like having a crying newborn with colic and bad gas in the aisle behind you on a transatlantic flight. It's like your neighbor's car alarm going off constantly when they are out of town. It's like someone cracking their knuckles -- one -- by -- one -- in a movie theater. Or like standing in a looooong line in front of a sorority girl who is gabbing on the phone ("Like, I knoooooowah!") while smacking her gum. Yes, it's that annoying. Times 170.

It is the WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER MADE.



"Hey kids! Who's that dude with
the sleigh and the reindeer?
Why, it's SANTA CLAUS!"

 It is Nipsey Russell (or so I was told) and a bunch of sugar-crazed crack-addict tone-deaf children screaming "Here Comes Santa Claus" at the top of their lungs.

I have absolutely nothing against Mr. Nipsey Russell. He sang, he danced, and he made lots of people laugh for years and years on many game shows. And he had beautiful teeth! Let's have a moment of silence in honor of dearly departed Nipsey. (....s...i...i...i....l...e...n...n...n...c...e....) Ok, I feel better, don't you?

I DO have a problem with whoever thought it was a good idea to put those howling mongrels -- uh, I mean, delightful little cherubs -- in a room with a live microphone. What the hell were they thinking? This song will make your ears bleed.

Whenever it came on the overhead speakers, I wanted to run out of the building like my hair was on fire. I kid you not, my jaw would tighten, my fists would clench, and I could feel my blood pressure rise. I would do ANYTHING to avoid hearing it, so I'd hum (loudly) the tune to a song -- ANY SONG -- just so I could avoid having Nipsey and The Crack Addicts bounce around in my skull.



"My sincerest apologies to anyone
who has to hear this song..."

 Customers who saw me must've thought, "Wow, that Jennifer sure is cheerful! Is... that... 'I'm Henry the Eighth I Am' she's humming...? Well, that's interesting... But it's Christmas! Why isn't she humming something like 'Here Comes Santa Claus'?"

It took ever fiber of my being not to crawl on my hands and knees and beg a customer to put me out of my misery by crushing my head with their shopping cart. "Have mercy on me! Kill me! Kill me now. And make it quick so I don't have to hear this song ever again for the rest of my (hopefullly short) life."

If you are intrigued and want to hear this song, go for it. I realize it's like very similar to the morbid curiosity you have when you gawk at an accident on the highway, but be warned -- too much Nipsey will kill your desire for Christmas music.

And if it turns out by some chance of fate that it wasn't Nipsey singing that song with the Crack Hound Kids, I apologize profusely. But then, who was it????

Stay thirsty, my friends!

-Jennifer