Santa is going to crap in my stocking for this...

...but I have a confession to make.

I can't stand Christmas music.

It's not that I'm not religious or that I don't like Christmas. I can enjoy a round or two of "Frosty the Snowman" or "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." I can even tolerate hearing Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" a few times without having to vomit. But after SOOOO many part-time retail jobs, hearing Christmas music non-stop makes me want to go postal.

The absolute worst Christmas music every played on the loudspeakers of a retail store -- and probably the cause of my hatred -- was at Garden Ridge. They wanted shoppers to get into the holiday sprirt as early as possible, so they'd start playing it in November. Over and over and over again. Non-stop Christmas music. I bet they would have started playing it in July, if they thought they could get away with it.

But there was one particular song -- one out of the many, many, MANY songs played over and over again -- that still haunts me to this day. It's like fingernails on a chalkboard. It's like hearing a cat in heat on the fence outside your window at midnight. It's like having a crying newborn with colic and bad gas in the aisle behind you on a transatlantic flight. It's like your neighbor's car alarm going off constantly when they are out of town. It's like someone cracking their knuckles -- one -- by -- one -- in a movie theater. Or like standing in a looooong line in front of a sorority girl who is gabbing on the phone ("Like, I knoooooowah!") while smacking her gum. Yes, it's that annoying. Times 170.

It is the WORST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER MADE.



"Hey kids! Who's that dude with
the sleigh and the reindeer?
Why, it's SANTA CLAUS!"

 It is Nipsey Russell (or so I was told) and a bunch of sugar-crazed crack-addict tone-deaf children screaming "Here Comes Santa Claus" at the top of their lungs.

I have absolutely nothing against Mr. Nipsey Russell. He sang, he danced, and he made lots of people laugh for years and years on many game shows. And he had beautiful teeth! Let's have a moment of silence in honor of dearly departed Nipsey. (....s...i...i...i....l...e...n...n...n...c...e....) Ok, I feel better, don't you?

I DO have a problem with whoever thought it was a good idea to put those howling mongrels -- uh, I mean, delightful little cherubs -- in a room with a live microphone. What the hell were they thinking? This song will make your ears bleed.

Whenever it came on the overhead speakers, I wanted to run out of the building like my hair was on fire. I kid you not, my jaw would tighten, my fists would clench, and I could feel my blood pressure rise. I would do ANYTHING to avoid hearing it, so I'd hum (loudly) the tune to a song -- ANY SONG -- just so I could avoid having Nipsey and The Crack Addicts bounce around in my skull.



"My sincerest apologies to anyone
who has to hear this song..."

 Customers who saw me must've thought, "Wow, that Jennifer sure is cheerful! Is... that... 'I'm Henry the Eighth I Am' she's humming...? Well, that's interesting... But it's Christmas! Why isn't she humming something like 'Here Comes Santa Claus'?"

It took ever fiber of my being not to crawl on my hands and knees and beg a customer to put me out of my misery by crushing my head with their shopping cart. "Have mercy on me! Kill me! Kill me now. And make it quick so I don't have to hear this song ever again for the rest of my (hopefullly short) life."

If you are intrigued and want to hear this song, go for it. I realize it's like very similar to the morbid curiosity you have when you gawk at an accident on the highway, but be warned -- too much Nipsey will kill your desire for Christmas music.

And if it turns out by some chance of fate that it wasn't Nipsey singing that song with the Crack Hound Kids, I apologize profusely. But then, who was it????

Stay thirsty, my friends!

-Jennifer

Dog stories

I am a selfish turd.

Let me 'splain.

Me and the girls

The night I returned to Guatemala, I was told that my very favorite rescue dog, Savannah, had been adopted. Joel avoided telling me this while I was in Texas because he knew it would upset me and thought it better to tell me in person. His intentions were good -- but it hurt just as much to hear it in person as it would have been over the phone. (At least in person he was able to give me a hug when my lower lip began to quiver.)

As happy as I am that sweet Savannah got adopted, I am truly bummed that I will not get to see her at the Puppy Palace. The night before I left for Texas Joel took some pictures of me with Mattie, the wonderful street dog who had been adopted by a really great lady named Katherine. Mattie would be heading to her new home in the USA while I was in Texas, so I wanted a few pictures to remember her by. As I sat on the floor to have my goodbye pics taken with Mattie, Savannah flopped down next to us -- she's sort of like a pesky, but endearing sibling that always wants to be the center of attention. It is good she decided to be in the pictures because I didn't know she would be getting adopted while I was away.

Here are the stories of my dear girls, Savannah and Mattie...

S A V A N N A H


Savannah on a ride to the finca



Savanna was the sweetest dog you could ever meet. I often said she was a mix of Collie, Shepherd, and Velcro -- because she wanted to stick to you like glue. Wherever you were was where she wanted to be. If you sat down, she sat next to -- or if possible -- ON top of you. She had gigantic radar-like ears and a little bobbed tail -- like a white-tailed deer. It would have been nice to see her with a full, long wagging tail -- unfortunately, someone took it upon themselves to lop it off during her past -- but she wagged her little bobbed tail with gusto when she was happy. Or when she knew she had done something wrong -- like eat a shoe, chew on a table leg, or devour a pair of glasses. (Savannah is also part termite.)

 
She was picked up before Joel and I started volunteering with the rescue group, so I didn't see her original condition. What I do know is that at some point she had been hit by a car (as sadly, most rescue dogs are) and her leg healed in such a way that her back right foot was  always pointing outward. We jokingly referred to her as a ballerina standing in "first position." Her wounded ankle didn't slow her down ONE BIT. On walks to the finca (a giant coffee farm where the dogs could run freely) she took off like a rocket into the bushes with her dog friend, Sally, chasing anything that moved. Birds, squirrels, lizards,  grasshoppers, a wayward leaf -- nothing was safe from Savannah!



Check out Savannah's stunning "Cleopatra" eyeliner

Savannah was the Switzerland of rescue dogs. She could easily be the poster child for Humane Societies around the world because she could get along with anyone and any dog. Whenever a new dog or batch of puppies was brought to the Puppy Palace, Savannah was the first (and sometimes only) dog who would befriend them. She'd play with the puppies and patiently let them wrestle with her, but she'd keep them in line if they ever started playing too rough.
Joel and I fostered her off and on. We realized right away that Savannah was a early bird, while we were night owls. She was ready to fall asleep by 7pm each night. But she was up up UP and ready to go go GO by 5am the next morning. UUUGH. And she wasn't content just to lie in bed, chewing on a shoe, table leg or pair of glasses. Noooo... Rule #1 in Savannah's Book of How Life Should Be was: "If I am up, you will be up to entertain me. Or I will devour your entire home while you sleep."

Shhhh! Princess Savannah is sleeping...

But regardless of her bad habits, Savannah was always the first to greet me whenever I walked in the Puppy Palace. I often wonder if she thought her name was "SavannahDOWN" because I'd say it as she bounced up and down body-slamming me and wanting my full attention. Sort of her way of saying, "Love ME! Love ME! Love MEEEE!" And of course I, like everyone else, truly loved our big-eared, short-tailed, chew-o-rama friend named Savannah.

She was adopted by a family who loved her at first sight. I can't blame them, she's awesome. They live in a house with a yard and as an added wonderful bonus, they have another dog named Brownie. (Brownie? Really? You couldn't come up with a more original name? I bet a MILLION DOLLARS that dog is BROWN.) Ok, so regardless of their lack of creativity in dog names, I've heard they are great people. And now Savannah has a new friend to live and play with. And the new owners love her to bits and let her sleep on the sofa and treat her like a princess -- it's Savannah's dream come true. So yes, I am very happy for Savannah and her new wonderful life... I'm just being pouty and miserable because I miss her. I hate to say I played favorites with the rescue dogs, but she truly was my favorite. (Shhh! Don't tell the other dogs or I'll deny it and tell them you are -- GASP! -- a Cat Person!)



Mattie... wondering if I have a treat for her

 M A T T I E (and Henry)

Mattie is, in my opinion, an Angel Dog. She was picked up with her boyfriend, an old guy we named Henry. Henry and Mattie were always together and since they were buddies, there was no way one could be rescued without the other. (If you think I am mushy and tender-hearted when it comes to animals, you should meet Linda and Terry!)

Upon arrival to the Puppy Palace, the dynamic doggie duo was placed in the back pen, where they could be kept separated from the rest of the dogs until we knew how they would interact. When we'd go in the pen to feed them, Henry was pretty listless -- almost as if finally being able to relax after a lifetime of living on the street was was just too much to handle. Mattie, on the other hand, adapted quite well. She seemed to enjoy having a soft bed to lie on, people to pet her and food brought to her every day. There was not a speck of unfriendliness in either of them. They didn't bark or whine or try to claw their way out of the pen. They were the most chilled-out street dogs ever.


Dear old Henry after his very first bath

 

I'm not even going to attempt to say what mix of breeds Henry was. All I know is he was not in good shape when he came on board. He had ugly tumors and was so painfully thin there was extra skin wrinkling around his tail. Mattie, who was some sort of shaggy-haired Lab mix, was in better shape, although, like Savannah, she been hit by a car. Her leg/shoulder injury was far more serious than Savannah's and had healed badly. She walked with a very obvious limp and her "elbow" will forever be at a awkward angle. But Mattie had spunk and didn't let her old wound slow her down. And DAMN she had a huge tail! I mean  it was as long as her entire body and as bushy as a...a...a giant bushy thing. (I can't think of anything giant and/or bushy at the moment. But believe me, it was a BIG tail.) Linda referred to it as a "coffee table clearer" -- as in, she could knock everything on a table to the floor with one wag of that giant tail. 

Sadly, when Henry was taken to the vet it was discovered that he had advanced lung cancer and the only humane thing to do was to end his suffering. We miss our sweet, gentle friend but are thankful that the last few weeks of Henry's life were made as comfortable as possible. He had food and clean water every day. He had a soft bed to sleep on. He didn't have to fear for his life on the street. And best of all, he was with his best friend, Mattie, who never left his side.

 

Mattie loved the sun! Toss her an avocado and
she would be The World's Happiest Dog

Mattie adapted well to life at the Puppy Palace. She got used to having baths (she didn't like them, but tolerated them without freaking out) and became friends with the other dogs. At first, she didn't dig Chow's presence (can't say that I blame her -- he is quite intimidating at first glance). And rather than growl or bark at him, she would silently lift her upper lip, showing her lovely white teeth and "smile" as a way of saying, "You will not dominate me, you giant hairball." Chow got the message and they eventually became friends. She and Savannah got along great, of course. And on walks to the finca, she kept up with all of the dogs, regardless of her leg injury. She was unstoppable! Oh, and did I mention she LOVED avocadoes? Yep. There are avocado trees in the finca and should one ever be lying on the ground, it became Gooey Green Mattie Chow. Interesting, huh?



Mattie and Joel (Mattie is the one on the left)
Check out her bright white teeth!

A sweet woman named Katherine, who lives in Washington, DC but visits Antigua on a regular basis, met Mattie at the Puppy Palace and they bonded immediately. She decided to adopt Mattie, but had to return to the US. She asked if Joel and I could foster her so she could get used to being in a "home" environment. Let me just say, Mattie was the easiest dog ever put on this planet. She did not for ask much -- just a nice soft bed and a bowl of kibble. Oh, and did I mention she liked to eat while laying in bed? I don't think I ever saw her eat standing up. Maybe it's just easier for her to do it laying down. I called her the "furry speed bump" because she would flop down on her bed and be happy as a clam. We could walk her around the neighborhood without a leash because she never went more than 20 feet away from us. She was a great houseguest and never had an accident of any sort. Plus, she was a lounger -- meaning, even if she woke up at 5am, she was happy to lounge in bed waiting for one of us to get up and let her out to pee. If Bob Marley were reincarnated as a dog, his new name would be Mattie. Yahhhh mon! 

 

Right now, Mattie is living the high life in DC. Katherine jokes that Mattie is the "Slumdog Millionaire" and it's true! She hit the rescue dog jackpot! Yes, if Savannah is going to be treated like a Princess, then Mattie will be treated like a Queen. Katherine's daughter and 6-year-old grandson are thrilled to have a new furry member of the family. And as far as the "angel dog" statement goes, Mattie was there with Henry every day through his illness, keeping him company and being a loyal friend. Katherine was also diagnosed with cancer and was between treatments when she met Mattie. I thought it was more than a coincidence that Mattie would once again be a loyal and caring friend to someone battling an illness. But GOOD NEWS! Within the last week, Katherine found out she is cancer-free! YAAAY! So she and Mattie will live a long and happy life together in DC. Katherine is going to SPOIL HER ROTTEN and Mattie will LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

Mattie and Savannah hugging it out (or wrestling,
it's hard to tell sometimes)

So there you have it... The stories of my furry friends who have moved on to better lives. I feel selfish and sad to see them leave, but I know THIS is what the rescue group is here for, so I need to lift up my chin, take a deep breath and move on to the next dogs in line. And there are plenty left to be saved...

I hope everyone is having a good day -- stay thirsty my friends! And wherever you are, if you see a dog, give it a hug for me. WOOF!