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"Honey, don't you want to go for a swim?"


TV commercials here are pretty funny. One of the best I've seen lately is for a feminine hygiene product called "LadySoft." (Even the name of the product cracks me up.) In the commercial, as the gal is reaching for her favorite LadySoft product, she wonders what it would be like if the boy/girl roles were reversed. She imagines her boyfriend curled up in bed with cramps, him crying emotionally over something on TV, him wrapping a towel around his waist at the beach, and -- my favorite -- having her "check" his butt as he walks in front of her. (Every woman out there knows about "the check.") I found the commercial on YouTube and even though it's in Spanish, you'll be able to figure out what's going on.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aq-ScSM6GdQ

There's another good one for a laundry detergent. I laugh every time I see the mother's reaction to seeing a stain on her son's soccer shirt. Her expression of, "Ay, nooo!" is sooo overly dramatic, you'd think she was just told her credit card was declined at the nail salon. I swear I saw this commercial five times a day every day I've been here, but now that I want to see it, I CAN'T FIND IT ON TV! Well daaaamn. If/when I see it again, I'll hunt it down on YouTube. "Ayyy, nooooo!" Hee-hee-heeee.

And don't get me started on all of the commercials showing gimmicks and gadgets for losing weight and toning your body. I just saw one for something called the "Diet Ring" -- it is literally just a gold ring you wear on your finger that contains "bio-elements" that help you lose weight -- quickly! WOW! There's also one for a gadget that you attach to your body and it zaps your muscles into contracting (sounds safe!) and magically turns pasty, flabby-assed losers into tan, healthy, ripped supermodels. http://www.solamententv.com/products/fitness/abtronicX2/abtronicX2.php



"Hola, I am Marisol.
I like weather. Don't you?"

The women on the news bring HOOCHIE to a whole new level. The Guatemalan equivalent of NBC or CBS is a station called Guatevision. While female journalists in the US pride themselves on a professional appearance, the rule here is "if you gots da bootie, you gots da job." The gal who does the weather is the queen of hoochie-oochie-oochie. She wears tight skirts and low-cut blouses. It's like she's planning to do the news, then heading to the club to do some pole dancing. Or to her waitressing job at Hooters. But ah, this is Central America and HOOCHIE is what gets viewers. Check this out -- it will make you laugh. And if you are a man, it will make you want to check the weather in Guatemala every day.   http://www.guatevision.com/public_tvn/index.cfm?MainSection=clima&titulo=El%20Clima...%20con%20Marisol%20Padilla&ancho_video=320&alto_video=240&entrevista=TRUE&video=TRUE&programa=noticiero&entrevistavlm=TRUE&ancho_video=320&alto_video=240&clima=TRUE&video=TRUE
 

Oh, that craaaazy Bob!

Joey Stevens and Bob the Parrot

But perhaps the most bizarre thing on TV is a chubby, jolly man named Joey Stevens and his buddy, Bob the Parrot. Joey is the weather man on a station called One Caribbean Weather and I kid you not, he has his hand up a puppet's butt (this would be Bob) while he does the weather. Not only that, but he dresses Bob in Hawaiian shirts (sometimes their shirts match) and makes Bob talk. Yesterday Bob was wearing a tiny neck collar and Joey told the viewers Bob had gotten into a scuffle with the show's producer. He asked Bob  something and Bob replied (in his high-pitched parrot voice), "It hurts when I laugh." Joey is his own biggest fan -- he laughs at his own jokes like they're the funniest things he's ever heard. Joey and Bob also travel to different islands attending festivals and visiting hotels and restaurants and Joey's catch phrase is, "Come to (insert name of festival/hotel/restaurant) where it's always HOT HOT HOT!" It's comical. It's colorful. It's freakin' bizarre. It makes you wonder if Joey has been in the sun too long. Check him out... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkDtjTFOXL8&NR=1

Alrighty then! Now you have a better idea of what to expect should you ever come here and turn on the TV. And I didn't even cover the dramatic dialog, the lusty glances, the intensely sexual meaty muchachos or the cleavage-enhancing women's attire (they are training to be newscasters) on the TV novellas -- that would take up an entire blog of it's own.

Stay thirsty, my friends!





E a R t H q U a K e ! e A r T h Q u A k E !

There is really no "good" place do be during an earthquake. Well, maybe in a big open field full of soft green grass... But that's not where most people hang out on a daily basis.

SO! The other afternoon we were in the market. Not the supermarket (and I use the term "super" loosely -- it's more like a funky two-story 7-11 on steroids) but the grungy open-air-maze-of-veggies-and-fruits-and-eggs-and-baby-chickens-and-bootlegged-DVDs-and-watch-your-purse-and-don't-step-on-the-drunk-guy-passed-out-on-the-floor... Yes, THAT market. 

"Toto, I don't think we're in Walmart anymore..."

Aaaanyway. So there was an earthquake. Is it wrong to say that I LIKE them? Well if it's wrong, then I don't want to be right. I like 'em. I really, really like 'em. I think they are exciting. If you were here, you'd like them, too. (Or you'd lie and say you don't like them, when really deep down you do.)

So we were inside the market, which is a deathtrap under normal circumstances, since it is basically a hodgepodge of pieces of corrugated metal, tarps, random scraps of wood and   electric wires zig-zagging over your head...you get the picture. The earthquake hit and it was fun to see the looks on people's faces as they realized what was going on. I think in the past I've usually been sitting down when they hit, but this time I was standing. I could actually FEEL THE GROUND MOVING UNDER MY FEET.

It.

Was.

So.

COOL.

And yes, my Spanish is still bad, but I am multi-lingual when it comes to reading people's faces. The guy tending his little booth near me was dodging packages of napkins as they fell off the shelf. And we were both staring wide-eyed at the orange soda sloshing around in the 3-liter bottles on his counter. It was AWESOME! Anyway, it lasted about 15 seconds. But it was fifteen seconds of waaaay coolishness!

So come, my friends. Come to Guatemala. See the volcanoes. Feel the earthquakes. Hear me squeal with delight whenever there's an eruption or an earthquake.

Have a great day -- and until we meet again, stay thirsty, my friends!