A few things you should know...

If you ever venture down to Antigua Guatemala, here are a few things to keep in mind and some of my brilliant words of wisdon.  

One way streets
Don't be fooled. Just because the sign says "ONE WAY" ("Una Via") doesn't mean that someone won't come barreling down the street going the wrong way. The streets are a little confusing to begin with and can suddenly become one way mid-street. (Yes, it makes no sense.) So, when crossing a street, be sure to look both ways or you might get plowed over.

Cobblestones

I swear to you, this is not a joke. This is really what the
weathergirl on tv wears during the news. She is
a good example of what the hoochie mamas who
flock to Antigua on the weekends look like.

Oh yes, they are so cute and charming and make the town look so picturesque and colonial, but trust me, no matter what kind of shoes you are wearing, THEY ARE A BITCH TO WALK ON. Not only that, but the sidewalks also leave something to be desired. They are patched together with cement, stepping stones, and yep, some are even made of the dreaded cobblestones. And some of them turn into hellish slip-n-slides when it rains. Oh, what fun!

One of the best things about the streets (probably the only good thing about them) is the "it sucks to be you" entertainment factor of watching the hoochie mamas that come from Guatemala City on the weekend  as they try to walk around in their high-high-high hoochie mama heels and their skin tight clothes. It’s pretty amusing.

What's for sale at the grocery store?

It's hard to see, but there's a
 packet of chicken soup
taped to the bottle of
SUPERIOR soy sauce.
(We only buy the best.)

Look for the clear packing tape. Yep. The grocery store (called "La Bodegona") is notorious for taping items together to indicate they're on sale.

For example:

• Buy one 4-pack of toilet paper, get three free (that used up a lot of tape)
• Buy a bag of laundry detergent, get a plastic bowl for free (Obviously you will need to eat a bowl of cereal while you do laundry.)
• Buy a bottle of rum, get a free 2-liter bottle of Pepsi (They encourage mixed drinks here.)
• Buy three boxes of milk, get a free package of cookies (Yum!)

…and so on.

They usually package items together that go together, like the milk and cookies, but quite often the combos don't make much sense. It’s like they look at their inventory and say, “Oh what the hell -- let’s put that bag of Doritos with the box of tampons.” Huh? My favorite "freebie" so far is the green plastic cutting board we got from buying -- ready for this? -- a box of corn flakes. (In case we needed to chop them up into tiny little pieces.)

Skinny jeans
Should not be worn. By anyone. Anywhere. Ever. Unless you are in a famous rock band and are under the age of 25. But ONLY then. And your band has to be REALLY famous.

Puddles

It rains so much, things grow out of old,
abandoned buildings like this.

It rains here. A LOT. I know my dear family and friends in Texas are in a drought and I feel bad about hogging all of the rain. (I’d sent some to you if I could.) Anyway, this explains why it’s so green in Guatemala. It rains about every day.

Lotsa rain = Lotsa puddles. I walk everywhere and take it from me, as a pedestrian it is very important to think ahead while walking. Gauge where you are in comparison to where cars are along the road – if a car is coming, slow down so they hit the puddle before you get near, otherwise you’ll get hosed. This has happened to a friend of mine. Luckily, it hasn’t happened to me yet (QUICK -- knock on something wooden) but with the amount of walking I do, I’m probably overdue for a nasty rainwater splash bath.

Slashers
Nope, I’m not giving a shout out to the “Friday the 13th” movies. I’m talking about the people (male and female) who seek out unknowing tourists and slash their purses/backpacks. These unscrupulous folks are clever – they will “accidentally” bump into you in the park or in the crowded market and the next thing you know, your bag has been gutted and the innards removed. So watch out! This hasn’t happened to me (keep on knockin’ on that wood) but I know several smart people who have fallen victim to this crime. I keep an eye on the crowd and carry a thick, knife-proof crocheted purse. It would take someone quite a while to saw their way through my bag -- and if I caught them doing it, I’d give them a hearty karate-chop to the jugular. Ka-POW! Do not mess with the little white girl and her crocheted purse.

Pee
It’s not just for bathrooms anymore! Men will do it anywhere, anytime. If it’s sunny and there’s a strange puddle on the sidewalk, STEP AROUND IT. That’s not water. I’m just sayin’…

I passed a group of guys who were relieving themselves on a truck one afternoon – and if that wasn’t bad enough, I don’t believe it was their truck. Oh, the humanity! I can only imagine how awful that must’ve been for the owner. I mean, it’s one thing to have your car vandalized and your stereo stolen or your tires slashed. But to come back to a pee-soaked vehicle? Eeeeeeeew. Just sell it on the spot and buy something new.

Volcanoes and earthquakes

This was a pretty rare sight. Fuego erupted and sent ash
and debris rushing down the side of the volcano. I was
 lucky to find my camera and get this shot in time.

Don't be afraid and don't freak out. Experiencing these forces of nature is very cool. The earthquakes are pretty random, so if you feel one, you’re lucky. Fuego Volcano erupts day and night. During the day, you’ll see clouds of ash billowing out, which is cool. If you are staying at a place with a rooftop terrace, grab a beer and sit up there at night. If it’s clear, you will see lava flying in the air and rolling down the sides, which is SUPER COOL. If you’re reeeeally lucky, you will hear the deep rumbling booooom beforehand.

Words to know
If you’re like me and your skin tone doesn’t match that of the locals, you will be inundated with people trying to sell you things on the street. You’ll be offered everything from carved wooden flutes, necklaces, ice cream, scarves, table runners, bracelets and even… pot. Yes, there are a few people in town (usually young guys, carrying backpacks) who will boldly walk up to you and say, “Hey lady, you looking for pot? Good stuff!” Even if you’re not wearing a Bob Marley shirt or sporting a knitted Rasta hat, it’s always good to know there are herbal entrepreneurs out there.

So! Here are a few things you can say when people are offering their goods.

“No gracias.” (No thanks)

“Otro dia.” (Another day.)
“Posible mas tarde.” (Maybe later.)
“Yo tengo no dinero.” (I don’t have money.)
“Yo soy policia.” (I’m a cop. This will scare the pants off a pot dealer.)
“Lo siento, mi espanol es malo.” (I’m sorry, my Spanish is bad. This is helpful if you want to play dumb when someone is rambling on and on – I use this one a lot.)
“Yo vivo aqui.” (I live here – as in “I’m not a tourist so I’m not an easy target for your overpriced goods.”)

Ok, that’s it for this time around. Until we meet again, stay thirsty my friends!