G-U-A-T-E-M-A-L-A

In case you are planning a trip, here a few details to keep in mind. 

G = Green. Everything is green. From the crazy prehistoric-looking trees, to the bushes, the vines, the grass, the coffee plants, the flowers... It's all green from all of the rain. Rumor has it, it ain't easy being green, but with this much rain, it's hard not to be green.

U = Umbrella. Bring one. Or two, just to be safe. It rains here. A LOT. And while you're at it, bring some rain boots, too. I love mine. They make me fearless.

A = Agua. Water. Unless you have a really good book and want to spend lots of time sitting on the toilet reading, DO NOT drink the water that comes out of the faucet. The funny thing is it's the same water you use to shower, wash your dishes and brush your teeth... Just don't DRINK it. All drinking water must be bottled or boiled.

T = Toilets. Speaking of being in the bathroom... Yes, the toilets flush the same as in the US, but the plumbing systems are old and horrible... Soooooo, you can't toss your toilet paper in there. There will always be a trash can, box, or other receptacle next to the toilet for you to throw it away. Don't think too hard about this. Just do it. And don't look. EVER.

E = Earthquakes and Eruptions. I've experienced both. Earthquakes are really exciting -- the ground shakes, the windows rattle, and everything sways. It. Is. So. Cooool! Pacaya Volcano, which we've climbed twice, erupted and is due to erupt again, according to the experts. Again, cooool!

M = Market. Going to the market is a whole new experience. It's like a game -- work your way through the maze of vendors selling everything from fruits and veggies to underwear to candles to raw meat to used blenders. You can find produce here that you can't pronounce or recognize. Things get more exciting due to the mud, pickpockets, and stray dogs running about. Anyone who comes out alive with their purchases/wallet intact WINS!

A = Automobiles. Oooh boy. People will drive anything that runs. Even if it doesn't have tail lights, brake lights, head lights, windows, a bumper and/or is being held together with duct tape and/or twine. And OMG -- they do not use car seats here for children. The mothers hold them in their laps. Seeing this makes me want to throw up with anxiety.

L = Language. DAAAAAMN, why did I take German in high school? Sprechen Sie Deutsch does me no good here. I highly recommend taking some classes before visiting. The people here will be patient even if you talk like a two-year-old -- they just appreciate the fact that you're trying. Or even better, if you have some time and money, take classes HERE. There are a ton of Spanish schools for you to choose from.

A = Alcohol. I'm not talking about beer or wine or margaritas. There are some die-hard alcoholics here and they drink ALCOHOL -- the kind you buy in the drug store to clean wounds. Yes, straight out of the bottle. Can you say naaaaasty? And after they get a good buzz, they fall asleep wherever they are -- on the sidewalk, in the market, in a park... I've been really tempted to start taking a series of pictures called "Too Drunk to Stand." My original inspiration came when I saw a man walking his bike down the road. He was too drunk to ride it but smiled and waved happily as we drove past him.

Ok, it's actually quite an adventure being here. I'm just pointing out some of the quirkier things about living in Guatemala. And really -- I'm not kidding about the cars! I can't believe some of them are still running! It's too bad there's no "C" in Guatemala -- I'd love to comment on the Chicken Busses!

Feeding frenzy!

Let the feeding frenzy begin!

Bread goes bad here -- fast. Especially bread that you buy at the bakery. We bought dinner rolls because, well, I was craving dinner rolls with beans. I know, I know -- it sounds weird but people eat a lot of black beans here. And black beans with dinner rolls is really pretty tasty. Anyhooo, there was no way we were able to eat all of the rolls and within a day or two, they were moldy. Eeew.

Chicken or turkey? Does anyone know for sure?

On my way to walk the rescue dogs one day, I stopped at a yard on my street where I know chickens live. I started tossing them bits of bread thinking they might run away in fear. Oh, nooo -- it was just the opposite. Chickens, I discovered, are actually small pigs dressed up in feathers. They heard there was bread being tossed and they came from everywhere. At first, it was just a few chickens. Then a couple of Mallard ducks joined in. Pretty soon, a mother hen (possibly a turkey? Look at the picture and tell me what you think) and her chicks came to the feast. There was even a weenie dog in the mix. It was a feeding frenzy. They came from all around -- up until that day, I had never seen a chicken or a duck run, but now I can say that I have. And yeah, it looks as funny as you'd think. I also got to see a baby chick fight with a full-grown bad ass rooster for a piece of bread. I was surrounded. And outnumbered. At one point, there were probably 35 little creatures eating from the Moldy Bread Feast of 2010. Lucky for me, none of them were carnivores (except maybe the weenie dog).

He's saying, "Feeeed meeee" with his eyes...

I wish I had taken pictures as the buffet was taking place, but didn't realize I had my camera in my pocket until I was out of bread. &*%$@! When I ran out of food, the animals who had once been singing (clucking) my praises left me like I was yesterday's dirty socks. I took pictures of the mother (turkey?) and her chicks (turklettes?) as they ran away. And yes, they RAN. The weenie dog sat patiently at my feet waiting for me to find that ONE LAST piece of bread and give it to him. (Sorry dude, I got nothin'!)

Anyway, I look forward to the next feeding frenzy -- and maybe next time I'll have my camera ready.

Second place, third place...

Yep, still alive. Nope, didn't fall into or get sacrificed to a volcano. (They only want virgins and, uhh well...) OH! But they are now saying -- WAIT! -- If you are my mom and you are reading this, please ignore the rest of this paragraph and go on to the next one, ok? Ok. And for everyone who is not my mom, please continue -- vulcanologists here are saying that Pacaya is due to erupt again (but even bigger then the last eruption), so they aren't allowing hikers up there. Isn't that exciting??? I think so. I'm sure the tourist agencies here hate that, though.


(Hi Mom!) Many of you have requested that I create a blog to send my updates. I've had one for a while and didn't really do much with it but yeah, it might be easier than sending emails. For those of you interested in keeping up, you can find me at http://guatejennimalafer.blogspot.com/ I have a whopping THREE followers (thanks, guys!) and I'm not really sure how you can "follow" me, but you can find me there. I've copied and pasted all of my old emails to the blog, in case you missed anything. And to make it look like I've been busy writing lots of posts..

SO! There was finally a Second Place winner for Postal Roulette! I got a card from my friend Julie "Mean Girl" Arndt last week. That was a nice surprise (for a mean girl). And today, I got yet ANOTHER cool homemade card from my Aunt Karen in Phoenix. In addition to Aunt Karen's card, I also got a postcard from my brother's family from The Grand Canyon. Obviously this means if you want to send a letter to Guatemala, go to Arizona and send it from there. (But make sure you have all of your papers in order, juuust in case you get pulled over.)

Sookie in the Revue office garden

I've got some good news to share -- Joel got a job! He'll be working for Jades, SA -- the biggest jade company in Guatemala, based here in Antigua. Check 'em out: http://www.jademaya.com/jades/ The gal who owns the company (Mary Lou Ridinger) discovered a source of extremely rare jade (called Jadeite) in the 1970's after an earthquake in Guatemala. Jadeite can only be found where there are shifts in the earth's crust (hence the earthquake) and ta-daaa! She's like a gazillionaire now. Anyway, she's originally from Texas and when we met she mentioned going to school with George Bush in Midland -- ha ha ha! Anywaaaaay, Joel will be working at the small Jades store located within THE NICEST hotel in Antigua, called Casa Santo Domingo. Check it out: http://www.casasantodomingo.com.gt/ If you are filthy stinkin' rich and want to stay someplace nice when you come visit grungy ol' Guatemala, THIS is where you stay. Needless to say, we've never stayed there. Anyhooo, Joel will get commissions, which is another good thing because when Biff and Muffy walk around the hotel looking for souvenirs for their nanny and maid back home in Los Angeles, they will have a lovely selection of jade goodies to choose from. Cha-CHINNNNNNG! Work it, Joel! WOOOORRRK IT!

While Joel was at the Jades store for his interview, I got a one-on-one tour of the factory, which included a history of jade (which explains why I'm suddenly so brilliant on this subject). The man who gave the tour just so happened to be the head of marketing and he was SO nice. He gave me his card and said they wanted to expand their marketing to the US and I sent my resume. We'll see what happens. In the meantime, I'm still editing the Revue Magazine, which is great and I love it, but it only takes a week of my time each month. They asked me to write an article for the next edition but the gal I'm supposed to interview just had surgery on her deviated septum and isn't up for visitors... Sooo I might have like A DAY to write it and get it submitted. YIKES.

Sweet sleepy Savannah

And now, to the dogs. You know I can't send an email without mentioning rescue dogs. We fostered my favorite rescue dog, Savannah, for about a week. We quickly realized she is a morning-person dog, while we are night owl-people. She'd start falling asleep at 8pm and we'd do everything to keep her up like play with her toys or call her name -- it's so funny to watch a dog groggily raise her head like, "Whaaa...? Huuuh?" She'd come romping into the bedroom at 5am ready to jump on the bed and wake us up with her cold wet nose. Her motto was, "If Savannah is up, the rest of the world must be up to play with me." And if you didn't give her your immediate attention (even after putting her outside to go potty) she'd find something to chew on. My slippers where a hit. So were my book, a towel, a pair of hoop earrings... Yes, she tried to eat a pair of silver hoop earrings. Luckily, I woke up and rescued them when she dropped one and it made a "ping" sound on the floor and she couldn't find it again. (She couldn't have worn them anyway -- her ears aren't pierced.) We ended up having to return her due to an absolute lack of sleep -- but she actually has a much better life now -- she is spending her evenings at the Revue office and her days playing with the other rescue dogs at the coffee farm! So she's immensely happier. In the meantime, we've been walking some rescue dogs that are staying at the house of a vet who lives in our neighborhood. The vet, Dr. Linares, is an amazing man. He takes in whatever animals people drop off. He nurses them back to health, spays/neuters them, and gives them a place to stay until they can find a foster home. He rarely gets paid for his work. So we go to his office every day and walk whatever rescue dogs he happens to have on hand. Lately, it's been two guys -- Biondo and Wylie. Biondo is a Yellow Lab. There might be something else in his mix -- like jackrabbit or Sherman Tank -- because he wants to GO GO GO GO. And he is STRONG. My hands are always sore after walking him because he pulls the entire time. He saw a bird on the street yesterday and damn near tore my arm out of its socket trying to catch it before it flew away. He's not a bad dog at all, he just has tons of energy. And a bladder the size of the Goodyear Blimp. I've never walked a dog that peed so much. I have to admit I timed him once -- he did his thing for a good 20 seconds (he was saying, "Ahhhhhh..." with his eyes) -- and then went on to mark about 10 more rocks, trees, gates... And then there is the amazing Wylie. I say "amazing" because he has the coolest eyes -- one brown, one blue. He's a skinny rust-colored Husky. He looks like a wolf. A rusty wolf. With cool eyes.

Wylie and his cool eyes

He's young and absolutely terrified of anything with wheels -- cars, trucks, motorcycles, bikes... I haven't tested him around roller skates, but I don't think he'd like those, either. He literally shrinks away from anything that drives by. Poor guy must've had a terrible experience in the past. Anyway, he's a really cool dude and I like to take him and Biondo to a park in our neighborhood which is mostly fenced. I let them off their leashes and watch 'em fly. It's fun to see them jump around and frolic. That is, until they stop and sniff at something in the grass, then pick their heads up and I see them chewing... I am in the "don't ask, don't tell" mindset when I see them eating a mystery meal. Maybe it's best that I don't know what delicious goodies they are finding in the long grass... 

Now that Joel is working, it will force me into learning Spanish because I won't have him to lean on for translations. After taking him to work yesterday morning, I went to the market. Alone. Solo. All by myself. And I don't mean the nice, safe (yet wildly unorganized and crowded) grocery store. Nooo, I mean the big open-air farmer's market-type ginormous food and goods area here. I navigated my way around (yes, I got lost) and bought a few things. I'm sure I had the "deer in the headlights" look a few times when I asked people the price of an item (learning numbers is HARD for me!) but I managed to figure things out enough not to get ripped off. Damn, I was proud of myself. "Look at me! I'm a dorky white gal alone in the market! Woo-woo!" I've attached a few pics of the colorful food you can find here.

Ok, is that enough for now? I know a few of you had been sending me nasty messages about not writing sooner. So I hope this appeases you for a while! Please feel free to write back at any time -- it's always nice to get email (and regular mail)...

Stay thirsty, my amigos!

-Jennifer