For Girls Only! (Really!)

First, let me say that this post is for GIRLS ONLY. 

OMG! This edition featured a-ha!
I looove them! I didn't know where Norway
was before they, like, came along. I'm pretty sure
 I, like, bought this magazine and, like, hung it
on my bedroom wall. And, like, in my locker.
Squeeee!

And this post has nothing to do with living in Guatemala and everything to do with being a GIRRRL. Like Teen Beat magazine, Spanxx and Duran Duran, men just won’t get it. Nor, will they want to.

That being said -- men, consider yourselves warned. Read on, if you dare.

(Seriously guys, this is your last warning! Spare yourselves! Go away! Close this window and surf the web for techie stuff or motor oil or porn or whatever manly men look at online. Because if you’re like some men I know who break out in a cold sweat when the word tampon is mentioned, you will want to stop reading NOW.)

...Waiting for the men to leave... Tapping my foot impatiently... Are the men gone yet? Ok, good. Let's carry on, shall we?

Every 28 days I tell myself, “This is just too funny not to share.” So, here I am, sharing away.

I guess Playtex figured calling them
"Playtex Sport" was more effective than
calling them "Playtex Lounge Around
and Eat Chocolate All Damn Day" 

Basically I’d like to know: When did tampons become fortune cookies? Yep, you heard me. I want to know when tampons started giving us gals advice on how to live our lives.

Let me do some ‘splaining... Last year, I bought a box of Playtex Sport tampons. They come in a hot pink box and have silhouettes of women dancing and jogging and playing tennis and ALL of those fun and frisky things we ladies do when we’re on our periods. (And golly, if you're like me, sometimes you find yourself dancing and jogging while you play tennis. Mm-hmm.) The box is fun and cheerful and just looks like something you’d want to see waving at you from under your bathroom sink. 

But really – I think it’s time for truth in advertising. Why not have a box showing what it’s really like when Auntie Flo comes a-calling? Like, a silhouette of a woman growling and killing off a tube of cookie dough. Or, maybe a silhouette of a gal curled up on the sofa with a heating pad. Or – better yet – a woman chasing a man around with a knife after he said something stupid to her like, “Oh, come on! Cramps can’t be that bad!”

God bless the person who figured out how to package
and sell cookie dough like this... You are my hero.

Ah, but I digress...

I'm not sure when I first noticed, but WOW. Really, WOWWW. I guess it was when I was holding the wrapped tampon in my hand, trying to figure out which end was “up” and what end to tear open, when I first saw the WRITING ON THE WRAPPER. Yes, there were words on the wrapper. And not just “You are holding a Playtex Sport Tampon.” Nosirree. It was a secret message sent to me directly from the Tampon Gods. It said, “Go for the standing ovation.” Really? I should go for the standing ovation? Hell yeah! So, from that moment, I decided I was going to go for the standing ovation that day. Because my tampon told me so.

YEAH! Go get 'em, tiger! Conquer the world! RRROWL!

After that, every time I pulled a tampon out of the box I felt like I was going on a new and exciting adventure. I never knew what little message it was going to tell me, like “Game on!” or “Practice makes perfect,” or “Live Fearlessly!” Live fearlessly? Ok, next time I encounter a Nightmare Bug, I'll lasso that sucker, teach it to ride on my shoulder and name it Norman. And I will do it all without an ounce of fear. Because my tampon told me so.

I have to admit, the messages were sort of hard to read – yellow ink on a light green wrapper – but for those of you who are farsighted or damn near blind, it would be worth buying a new pair of glasses or getting an eye transplant just to read these inspirational comments.

I remember being so excited about my magical inspirational tampons that I tried to give my dear friend Marnie one of my tampons to prove I wasn’t making it up. “Look!” I said. “It says ‘Strive to be your best!’” Unfortunately, we were having this conversation during lunch... At the Cheesecake Factory. (Sometimes I forget I’m in public... And okaaay, fiiiiiiine. I guess handing a tampon to someone over the table at a nice restaurant is considered a Romper Room No-No. Yada-yada-yada...) Marnie, being the level-headed and sweet person that she is, glanced at the tampon to appease me, then looked around and discreetly handed it back, as if we were exchanging illegal drugs right there in front of the lunchtime crowd. (How funny would it have been if the waiter walked up just then and caught us? Oooh, the laughs we would have had!)  

I sorta wish Playtex would print things like, “Don’t even think about wearing those white pants,” or “You are only supposed to take two Midol at a time,” or “Don’t kill your boyfriend/husband because murder is illegal” which, let’s face it, are what we really need to hear when Auntie Flo is in town.

If only Joan of Arc had Playtex Sport
tampons cheering her on, things might
have ended so much differently for her. 

For anyone who is thinking, "My old tampon just isn't bringing me the satisfaction or inspiration I'm looking for," and in the market for a new box of tampons, I highly recommend these. Not only for their impressive tamponic performance, but also because you will giggle like a silly little schoolgirl every time you read the wrapper and pop open a new one. Your period will no longer be a pain you have to live through, but an inspirational adventure.

My very favorite tamponic comment to date is, “Go out. Have fun. Trust your tampon.”

Because let’s face it – if you can’t trust your tampon, who can you trust?

Until we meet again, stay thirsty, my girlfriends!

P.S. If you are a man and managed to read this entire post without saying “Ooooh, grooooss!” and/or breaking into hives, give yourself a pat on the back for being brave. I promise not to tell on you, so no one is going to come and take your Man Card away. :-)