“Thirty Dogs in Thirty Days” or “Why My Lipstick Smells Like Kibble”

This is my version of heaven. These dogs -- Hotai and 
Clementine -- live at the vet clinic where I volunteer. 
I walk them almost every day.
 

Anyone who knows me knows I have a soft spot in my heart for dogs.

Nothing makes me happier than to be surrounded by dogs. Big dogs, small dogs, puppies, old dogs, hairy dogs, fat dogs, drooly dogs -- I love them all. But mutts are my favorites. I prefer a scrungy-looking mixed-breed mutt with mismatched ears, a bald spot, and a crook in its tail over a fancy pedigreed dog that’s never played in the mud. But that’s just me. What can I say? “I like big mutts and I cannot lie... You other brothers can’t deny...” (Sing it! You know the words!)

There are stray dogs everywhere in Guatemala. EVERYWHERE. So if you are a tenderhearted dog lover like me, it breaks your heart to see them and feel like you can't do anything.

Workin' it on the street. 

But wait! There is at least one tiny thing I can do: I can feed ‘em! 

This is the dog food that I buy.
According to the bag, it
includes the flavors of meat,
cereal and milk. Since I've
never tried it myself, I'll
have to take their word for it.
YUMMM.

And feed them I do.

You know how people give something up for Lent? Well, I’m not Catholic or I don’t think I’m Catholic but I think I was baptized Catholic but it sorta ended there and I really don’t know much about the whole thing even though I’m living in Ground Zero of Catholicism (well, second only to the Vatican, I guess). Aaaanyway, so rather than giving up something for Lent, I've heard you can take on a daily ritual (like sit-ups or something) to better yourself. I decided to do a “Feed Thirty Dogs in Thirty Days” goal. I’m not ashamed to say that I have no idea how Lent lasts, but I thought it would be a nice thing to do. (OH! Wait -- according to Google, in 2013 it’ll last for 46 days – sooo, crap. I guess I need to change this to “Forty-Six Dogs in Forty-Six Days.”) Well, it looks like I need to buy more dog food.

She was in the park almost every day.
I rescued her and named her Cookie.
Sooo, if anyone wants to adopt her....

So now I don’t leave home without a baggie of dog food in my purse. You have no idea how much it sucks to come across a starving dog and have nothing to feed it. One evening I was walking home from the grocery store when I came across two young, hungry dogs. I opened my grocery bag and fed them several pieces of the sandwich bread I had just bought. So, now I carry dog food everywhere I go. And yes, this makes everything in my purse (lipstick, phone, keys) take on the meaty and oh-so-satisfying aroma of kibble, but it’s worth walking around town smelling like I just put in a double-shift at The Kibble Mine.

Even Brad Pitt enjoys the scent of CHISPITA. (But from the looks of this picture,
it seems he's trying to cover his nose. Or, like he just threw up a little.) 

“Hey, Jen... What’s that unusual fragrance you’re wearing?”
 “Oh, you must be referring to my new perfume – Chispita.”

 “Interesting... Is this why are all of the dogs following you like you're the Pied Piper?”

 Yyyyyep.

Ahhh, but I digress...

I've learned not to just dump the entire baggie on the ground when I come upon a hungry dog. Believe it or not, some of them will not eat it. I don’t know if it’s because they've never encountered kibble before, or if they’re holding out for something better. There have been times I've offered up the baggie of food only to have the dog raise an eyebrow, look at me skeptically and say, “Oh, come now! You expect me to eat this crap? Doncha have any raw chicken in that purse of yours?”

(Don't look at this one, Mom!)
This poor guy was so sweet and so very hungry.  

So now I do the Kibble Test. I toss a few bites to the dog to see if they’ll eat it. Some are very wary of eating while I’m watching and will slink away – as if I’ll take the food from them – so I put the food down and take a few steps back. If they eat it, I leave more food for them to eat when they’re feeling brave. Other dogs will eat the food right out of my hand. That’s right, I am ________ (Crazy? Stupid? Trusting? Foolish? Naive? Insert the word of your choice) enough to let a stray dog eat right out of my hand. I've never been bitten. These dogs are not mean, they're just hungry. Most of them have never had a human being pet them in their entire life. (Oh yeah, and if they’ll let me, I pet them, too.) _______??!?! (Go ahead and insert another word of your choice here.) 

Seriously... How can anyone pass a dog like this and
not feed it? I think I gave him the entire bag of food. 

Occasionally, I’ll come upon a sleeping dog. Well you know what they say about letting sleeping dogs lie... And even though I don’t like it when dogs lie to me, I leave them alone. (Ba-dum-bum.) In those cases, like a sneaky Kibble Ninja, I leave the food next to their noses. Just a little something to greet them when they awaken. Every now and then the flavorful aroma will wake them up – first their nose twitches, then their ears perk up, and lastly, they open their eyes and – BEHOLD! – a pile of kibble awaits! Oh happy day!

Strangely enough, there have been a few times when I've walked around town and not seen a stray dog. Not even one. And other days I will feed three or four, so I guess it all evens out somehow. 

And there you have it. The reason why everything in my purse smells like dog food. If I could carry a 50-pound bag with me everywhere I go that would be even better – but the locals already look at me like I’m a freak show for feeding the dogs as it is. There have been TOO MANY occasions to count when I've been feeding someone (oh, and did I mention that I talk to the dogs as I feed them? Yeah, there is just no limit to my insanity) and looked up to see an ENTIRE family of Guatemalans staring at me in disbelief. I just shrug my shoulders, smile, and say, “Me gusta perros,” and get back to work. One dog at a time... 

Until we meet again, stay thirsty (and hungry for CHISPITA!) my friends. Nom-nom-nom...

A hungry mama dog... sitting under a truck. 

Notice the tail tucked between the legs... As if she
needed to be afraid of me? 

Action shot! 

She ate the food so fast, by the time I got my camera out, she was looking at me like,
"Sooo, what else ya got? More, please!" 

Another hungry mama. Someone once said, "The only thing worse than being
a street dog in Guatemala is being a FEMALE street dog in Guatemala."
All they do is pop out litter after litter of puppies. *sigh*

It's hard to tell from this picture, but this lovely girl was so scared,
she kept her back legs planted and leeeeeaned into the food. 

Notice the little lick marks on the concrete? I think this dog was part ant eater --
she used her tongue to pick up the pieces of food. 

This guy was very nervous. He ate the kibble...until a parade came marching by
and scared him off. 

A handsome, shaggy diner at Jen's Bar and Grill. (Minus the "bar.") 

This was a very friendly boy with a terrible case of mange across his face.
He wagged his tail the entire time he was eating.  

I fed this skinnnnnnnnny little dog at a school. After I put the food down,
I looked up to see about 20 kids staring at me like I was from Mars. 

I wanted so badly to feed this dog! He kept scratching his back on the grass...
I must've stood there for ten minutes waiting for him to stop. I even climbed
over the little metal fence to give him food. He sniffed at it, then
went back to scratching his back. Oh well! I tried. 

I love this picture! Look at those eyes! They scream "FEEEEED MEEE!"
I was eating street food at the time and gave him the skin off my chicken leg.
After getting meat, he had noooo interest in eating the kibble I offered him. 

A skinny skinny skinny mama in the market. 

I like to think he's looking up and saying, "Hey! Thanks for the kibble!" 

Feeding two at a time. I'm sure the gal in the blue skirt was giving me weird looks.
(I'm used to it. I'm made of Teflon -- their stares just slide off of me.) 

I remember this night was cold, but I don't remember it being this blurry...

This is one of the extremely cautious dogs who wouldn't eat until I was halfway down the street. 

After being fed, it's time for a drink! Not only are the fountains in Parque Central nice to look at,
they also provide water for all of the street dogs in town. 

Anyone need a vacuum cleaner? This dog found every tiny piece
of kibble I tossed his way. 

A bow. Wow wow.

For Girls Only! (Really!)

First, let me say that this post is for GIRLS ONLY. 

OMG! This edition featured a-ha!
I looove them! I didn't know where Norway
was before they, like, came along. I'm pretty sure
 I, like, bought this magazine and, like, hung it
on my bedroom wall. And, like, in my locker.
Squeeee!

And this post has nothing to do with living in Guatemala and everything to do with being a GIRRRL. Like Teen Beat magazine, Spanxx and Duran Duran, men just won’t get it. Nor, will they want to.

That being said -- men, consider yourselves warned. Read on, if you dare.

(Seriously guys, this is your last warning! Spare yourselves! Go away! Close this window and surf the web for techie stuff or motor oil or porn or whatever manly men look at online. Because if you’re like some men I know who break out in a cold sweat when the word tampon is mentioned, you will want to stop reading NOW.)

...Waiting for the men to leave... Tapping my foot impatiently... Are the men gone yet? Ok, good. Let's carry on, shall we?

Every 28 days I tell myself, “This is just too funny not to share.” So, here I am, sharing away.

I guess Playtex figured calling them
"Playtex Sport" was more effective than
calling them "Playtex Lounge Around
and Eat Chocolate All Damn Day" 

Basically I’d like to know: When did tampons become fortune cookies? Yep, you heard me. I want to know when tampons started giving us gals advice on how to live our lives.

Let me do some ‘splaining... Last year, I bought a box of Playtex Sport tampons. They come in a hot pink box and have silhouettes of women dancing and jogging and playing tennis and ALL of those fun and frisky things we ladies do when we’re on our periods. (And golly, if you're like me, sometimes you find yourself dancing and jogging while you play tennis. Mm-hmm.) The box is fun and cheerful and just looks like something you’d want to see waving at you from under your bathroom sink. 

But really – I think it’s time for truth in advertising. Why not have a box showing what it’s really like when Auntie Flo comes a-calling? Like, a silhouette of a woman growling and killing off a tube of cookie dough. Or, maybe a silhouette of a gal curled up on the sofa with a heating pad. Or – better yet – a woman chasing a man around with a knife after he said something stupid to her like, “Oh, come on! Cramps can’t be that bad!”

God bless the person who figured out how to package
and sell cookie dough like this... You are my hero.

Ah, but I digress...

I'm not sure when I first noticed, but WOW. Really, WOWWW. I guess it was when I was holding the wrapped tampon in my hand, trying to figure out which end was “up” and what end to tear open, when I first saw the WRITING ON THE WRAPPER. Yes, there were words on the wrapper. And not just “You are holding a Playtex Sport Tampon.” Nosirree. It was a secret message sent to me directly from the Tampon Gods. It said, “Go for the standing ovation.” Really? I should go for the standing ovation? Hell yeah! So, from that moment, I decided I was going to go for the standing ovation that day. Because my tampon told me so.

YEAH! Go get 'em, tiger! Conquer the world! RRROWL!

After that, every time I pulled a tampon out of the box I felt like I was going on a new and exciting adventure. I never knew what little message it was going to tell me, like “Game on!” or “Practice makes perfect,” or “Live Fearlessly!” Live fearlessly? Ok, next time I encounter a Nightmare Bug, I'll lasso that sucker, teach it to ride on my shoulder and name it Norman. And I will do it all without an ounce of fear. Because my tampon told me so.

I have to admit, the messages were sort of hard to read – yellow ink on a light green wrapper – but for those of you who are farsighted or damn near blind, it would be worth buying a new pair of glasses or getting an eye transplant just to read these inspirational comments.

I remember being so excited about my magical inspirational tampons that I tried to give my dear friend Marnie one of my tampons to prove I wasn’t making it up. “Look!” I said. “It says ‘Strive to be your best!’” Unfortunately, we were having this conversation during lunch... At the Cheesecake Factory. (Sometimes I forget I’m in public... And okaaay, fiiiiiiine. I guess handing a tampon to someone over the table at a nice restaurant is considered a Romper Room No-No. Yada-yada-yada...) Marnie, being the level-headed and sweet person that she is, glanced at the tampon to appease me, then looked around and discreetly handed it back, as if we were exchanging illegal drugs right there in front of the lunchtime crowd. (How funny would it have been if the waiter walked up just then and caught us? Oooh, the laughs we would have had!)  

I sorta wish Playtex would print things like, “Don’t even think about wearing those white pants,” or “You are only supposed to take two Midol at a time,” or “Don’t kill your boyfriend/husband because murder is illegal” which, let’s face it, are what we really need to hear when Auntie Flo is in town.

If only Joan of Arc had Playtex Sport
tampons cheering her on, things might
have ended so much differently for her. 

For anyone who is thinking, "My old tampon just isn't bringing me the satisfaction or inspiration I'm looking for," and in the market for a new box of tampons, I highly recommend these. Not only for their impressive tamponic performance, but also because you will giggle like a silly little schoolgirl every time you read the wrapper and pop open a new one. Your period will no longer be a pain you have to live through, but an inspirational adventure.

My very favorite tamponic comment to date is, “Go out. Have fun. Trust your tampon.”

Because let’s face it – if you can’t trust your tampon, who can you trust?

Until we meet again, stay thirsty, my girlfriends!

P.S. If you are a man and managed to read this entire post without saying “Ooooh, grooooss!” and/or breaking into hives, give yourself a pat on the back for being brave. I promise not to tell on you, so no one is going to come and take your Man Card away. :-)